Eileen Reads Twilight: Chapter One: "In Which Our Protagonist Is Woefully Unsympathetic"

My first encounter with Twilight occurred in high school. I was in home economics and a girl across the room was reading a book with a black cover and an apple on it. I remember thinking that I had seen that book before and maybe I should check it out to see if it was any good.

I love books. I have been writing stories almost as long as I had been reading them. I write widely and try to read widely as well, though it was not until I discovered fan fiction that I was able to enjoy romances. Growing up, my mother placed a great deal of pressure on me to be a pink princess girly-girl, I was given doll houses, figure-skating lessons and placed in dresses, so naturally I eschewed anything with the label of “girly." So when I had the plot of Twilight explained to me I was uninterested and remained quite content with Harry Potter.

Love it or hate it, Twilight is part of the public consciousness and through popular culture osmosis, memes, book reviews and criticism, I feel safe saying that I'm familiar with the plot and characters of Twilight, though I have never read the books themselves. Whenever I lamented Twilight’s flat characters or Fifty Shades of Gray’s misogynist themes my boyfriend always told me I needed to read the books in question making any criticisms. In most instances I would certainly agree, however I think there are broad, factual criticisms about content you can make without reading the book in question.

The illustrious Jenny Trout is tackling the Fifty Shades series, so that leaves Twilight to me. This will by no means be the first sporking of the Twilight series and I'm aware that I'm perhaps behind the times. But I believe I can offer a unique take on the books and several stars have aligned IRL and I’ve been feeling a bit inspired. Now onto the actual book!



Our story opens in Phoenix. The first thing we learn about our protagonist, before her name, what she does, anything that might give us any inkling into her personality, is what she is wearing. Oh, and that her carry-on item is a parka. Which tells us that she is an utterly boring human being. Seriously? That’s all your carrying? No Kindle, DS or paperback? Just a parka?

What heroes wear.

Here is the description we get of her mother:

My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines. I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at her wide, childlike eyes. How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself? Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still… 

Okay, Bella saying that her mom looks like her except for short hair and laugh lines is useless, because we have no idea what Bella looks like. It’d be like me saying, “The dartum looks a lot like a flange, only longer and covered in cilia.” Comparison is useless if you don’t know what you’re comparing it to.

I understand that a lot of teenagers go through a phase where they feel like their shit is way tormented and adults totally have it easy. I mean they do right? They get paid to be at their personal hell eight hours a day, they don’t have homework, they can drink and drive and no one tells them what to do. I mean, adults have it made. So I can understand Bella feeling this way to a certain extent and maybe her mom is a bit frenetic and disorganized, but the way Bella describes it, before Phil came along and saved her, Bella’s mom was scavenging on crumbs like a rat and Bella was having to take care of her. If Bella’s mom was really that helpless, it’s a miracle she had managed not to mistake her infant daughter for a loaf of bread and stick her in the oven.

Somehow I feel that by the end of this I will be wishing she had.

So, now Bella’s mom has a Big Strong Man to take care of her and help her when she inevitably gets lost, and because of that Bella has to go to Forks, Washington to live with her dad, who for some reason she calls Charlie. Well, I guess we know whose side Bella took in the divorce.

Now for us to learn about Bella’s dad:

Flying doesn’t bother me; the hour in the car with Charlie, though, I was worried about.  

Charlie had really been fairly nice about the whole thing. He seemed genuinely pleased that I was coming to live with him for the first time with any degree of permanence. He’d already gotten me registered for high school and was going to help me get a car.   

But it was sure to be awkward with Charlie. Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose, and I didn’t know what there was to say regardless. I knew he was more than a little confused by my decision- like my mother before me, I hadn’t made a secret of my distaste for Forks. 

Okay, I’m not going to point out every instance of awkward phrasing in this book. If I did, I’d be doing nothing else, but this one struck me in particular: “Charlie had really been fairly nice.” That just sounds wrong. Either he’s been really nice about it, or fairly nice about it. Putting both just makes for awkward reading.

I’d really like to know why Bella’s parents divorced and I think it would be information the readers would want to know as well. The reason they divorced would be great insight into their respective characters and it could show what kind of footing she is on with her father. I mean, she is bizarrely antagonistic towards him in this chapter, and we don’t know why. Did Charlie cheat on Bella’s mom? Was he a neglectful parent? Or, as I suspect, is Bella just being a brat? But we don’t find out in this chapter, and I have a feeling we never will.

Bella says that she and Charlie aren’t particularly “verbose” which I find a bit of unusual wording. Throughout the chapter there is a bit of a feeling that Stephenie Meyer had an SAT word of the day calendar that she was using when she wrote this book. Today’s word is verbose and tomorrow’s word is permeable. There’s nothing wrong with using bigger words, when that particular word is the best word to convey the appropriate meaning. People can speak with a mature vocabulary, for example I used the word ‘eschew’ previously in this post, but here it seems like Smeyer is using this so the audience will coo about how erudite Bella is.

Bella likes to complain a lot. She complains about Washington (too green), the free truck her father bought her (too old), and worst of all, she has to use the same bathroom as her father. Egad. The horror. I’m sure the fact that growing up, I shared the bathroom with not only my dad, but my mom and two brothers would sent Bella into apoplexy.

Bella is so over-the-top with her dramatics that I’d like to think she is being sarcastic, but I’m afraid she’s not. Take this bit:

“Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?” La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.

“No.”  

“He used to go fishing with us during the summer,” Charlie prompted. That would explain why I didn’t remember him. I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory. 

I wish I did as good of a job blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.

Bella acts like she is such a martyr when really the summer was the only time she spent with her father and probably the highlight of his year.

I remember well what it was like to be a teenager. I’m not that far into my twenties, and for me high school was not fun. I was a bit like Hermione Granger, I raised my hand a lot, answered most of the questions, and had few friends. I know how hard high school can be, but honestly during the first chapter I wanted to slap Isabella, I mean, Bella, across the face with an thesaurus and scream, “Stop being such a self-absorbed bitch!”

I actually like Charlie. He has a lot more depth than Bella, that’s for sure. I mean, you can see him trying so hard to be a good father to Bella, he buys her a truck and yeah, it’s old and not too flashy, but it is dependable and safe. Even Bella notes that it’s the kind of a truck that will survive an accident that would obliterate newer cars. And he bought it from Billy Black, a family friend, after he can no longer drive it on account of his disability. I can picture Charlie paying full asking price, maybe a little bit extra because Charlie knows that those disability checks don’t cover squat and Billy’s still got a mortgage.

Bella snidely observes that Charlie has left the house the same as it was when she and her mom left and uses that as evidence that Charlie still isn’t over her mom. But there is no mention of photographs of Charlie’s wife anywhere, the only photographs mentioned are of Bella herself. I think he left the house the way it was so Bella would feel at home during her summer visits. Maybe I am reading too much into Charlie’s character, but the point is there is actually things of substance there. You can speculate about his character because he actually has one.

Bella gets up the next morning and prepares for school. She is entirely certain that she will be a Big Deal and that everyone will notice her because she is a New Kid from the City. I so wish Bella will be wrong, because I’ve been the new kid before, and that’s not how it works, but Bella is the protagonist, more specifically she's a Mary Sue so I know she will be treated like a special little snowflake.

Excuse me, special little swan.

We get physical description of Bella, which I found hilarious as she seems to think that merely because she grew up in Arizona she should be tan, sporty and blonde. Uh, it doesn’t work that way.

Okay, now as much as these blog posts will be about me analyzing and criticizing Twilight, I’m not going to ignore it when Smeyer does something halfway decent. For me it was this bit:

Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn’t just physically that I’d never fit in. And if I couldn’t find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here? 

 I found that last bit very relatable. I have a hard time making friends, and only once or twice had I ever found my niche. Bella’s loneliness did strike me as real. And the not-suckiness continues!

I didn’t relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn’t relate well to people, period. Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same page. Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain. 

I think that resonates with… oh, every socially awkward teenager that has ever walked the planet.

Now, back to our regular scheduled programing.

I honestly have a hard time believing that Bella’s mom is her best friend. I mean, Bella seems to believe that her mom needs to be cared for like a baby panda otherwise she’ll suffocate in a container of Tupperware or something.

Ask Google and you shall receive. 

Bella says Charlie is off to the police station “that is his wife and family.” Seriously Bella? I suppose he bought the police station a truck too? I think Bella is trying to convince herself that Charlie is miserable without her and her mother, but really he seems to be doing just fine.

Is it too late to make Team Charlie buttons? Because honestly, he is the only character I’m liking so far.

So Bella goes to the school office to get her class schedule and this exchange happens:

The red-haired woman looked up. “Can I help you?”  

"I’m Isabella Swan,” I informed her, and saw the immediate awareness light her eyes. I was expected, a topic of gossip no doubt. Daughter of the Chief’s flighty ex-wife, come home at last. 

I have so many snide comments fighting their way onto the keyboard I can barely type. NO ONE CARES THAT MUCH ABOUT YOU ISABELLA SWAN! THESE ARE ALL PEOPLE WITH LIVES OF THEIR OWN! THEY HAVE HOPES, DREAMS, FEARS, NONE OF WHICH REVOLVE AROUND YOU!

Ahem.

And this chapter only gets worse. Her English teacher “gawked” at her when he heard her name, because apparently he has never met someone with a stupid name before.

After English, “a gangly boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick” starts to chat with her. So this boy, Eric, is only trying to be her friend, which according to Bella is what she wants. But this boy is “the overly helpful, chess club type” and that’s definitely not the niche Bella wants to be in, so fuck him.

I’m as puzzled as you about the criticism of being “overly-helpful.”

Bella hates Trigonometry because of course she can’t do math because she has a vagina. Stereotypes are from Venus and Cliches are from Mars. Another classmate kindly walks her to lunch and is being perfectly friendly, but Bella doesn’t bother trying to remember her name and just pretends to listen to her when she talks.

That’s two people who have gone out of their way to befriend her and Bella shoots them both down. They go to the cafeteria and:

 We sat at the end of a full table with several of her friends, who she introduced to me. I forgot all their names as soon as she spoke them. 

Wow, Bella. I think I know why you haven’t found your niche yet.

But none of that matters because then Bella lays eyes on the Cullens and OMG they are sooo pretty!

Okay, before we start getting into all of the stuff about purple prose and whatnot I want to get a few things out of the way first.

I think it’s totally fine and natural that teenage/preteen girls are drawn to things like the purpley-prose beautiful/perfect Edward. It’s like teenage/preteen girls and boy bands. Being a preteen/teenage girl is very difficult. Lots of things are changing, among them boys transforming from containers of boy germs to names we draw on our notebooks and cover with hearts. Groups like One Direction and Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber are a safe way for a girl to start exploring romantic and possibly even sexual feelings because there is no way for those feelings to be reciprocated.

Romance novels have been called porn for women, and while I don’t think that’s quite accurate (porn is porn for women), I believe it is true in some respects for some women. There’s less of a stigma for women to enjoy romance novels, that’s for sure.

Anyways, the description of Edward and the Cullens is flowery, that I was expecting. Smeyer uses the word beautiful three times and perfect twice in as many paragraphs.

So we are introduced to Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Alice. Bella muses that these are “strange, unpopular names” which is absolutely hilarious for someone who will in a few short years give birth to a baby girl she names Renesmee. Wow, typing that sentence made me want to go punch someone in the face.

Lunch is over and Bella heads to Biology where- drama- she has to sit next to Edward. Throughout the entire glass Edward glares at her hatefully and sits stiffly like he’s trying to hide a boner.

This sounds like the start to a beautiful friendship.

Again the lecture is on something Bella has already learned at her old school, which means that she is Smart. Really I think Smeyer did this so she leave Bella free to daydream in class without consequences. After school, Bella returns to the school office and discovers Edward is trying to change his schedule so he won’t share Biology with her.

But Edward Cullen’s back stiffened, and he turned slowly to glare at me- his face was absurdly handsome- with piercing, hate-filled eyes. For an instant, I felt a thrill of genuine fear, raising the hair on my arms. The look only lasted a second, but it chilled me more than the freezing wind. 

 This is what I’m picturing:

Let’s be sorta serious for a minute here. The idea is that vampires, rather than appear horrifying and revolting, are beautiful as a way to attract prey, right? Handled very differently I think Smeyer could have been onto something here. Okay, so hear me out:

Bella reluctantly moves to Forks to be closer to her father. Her parents divorced when she was small, and as she grew up she began to doubt Charlie was the ogre her mother made him out to be. When her mother remarries, Bella decides to give her father, and Forks, a chance and agrees to live with him for one year. At school Bella meets the beautiful Edward and they quickly grow close. Except here and there are red flags that Bella brushes off. She tells herself that she is being paranoid. Then Edward reveals himself to be a vampire and that he can read all minds, except hers.

While Bella is still reeling from this revelation she discovers that, to her horror, Edward has been breaking into her house and watching her sleep. This is too much for her to ignore and she knows she must end things with her undead boyfriend. When she breaks things off with him though, his true colors are revealed and Bella must battle with him, and all the other vampires of Forks. And because of Edward’s telepathy, she must fight them alone.

Armed with the contents of Charlie's gun safe, Bella grows from a mousy-haired klutz to a badass defender of innocents and she learns that appearances can be deceiving and that beauty is only skin deep. Oh and that vampires can move fast, but not fast enough to dodge the blast from a sawed-off shotgun.

Twilight could have been this.

Guess that was more sparkle than Edward could handle.

Okay, I know my dream Twilight has more than a few similarities to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but still, if this was the way Twilight had been written I would have read the shit out of the books. Oh, and it would have totally been worthy of being called a saga.


Chapter Two will be posted next Friday, but in the meantime you can follow me on Twitter.